It’s that time of year again, and you’re gonna watch it anyway so you may as well have fun with it. The following is an adapted (with permission) version of the enduring classic Eurovision Drinking Game hosted at Boring Like A Drill. So, without further ado, here are the instances where one must imbibe a beverage.
PHASE I: THE SONGS
A. Every instance within a song:
I.A.1 The Dramatic Key Change. Or, as Louis Walsh used to refer to it: “Stand up for the key change”. The song starts slow and restrained, but is clearly heading towards a dramatic key change into the chorus.
I.A.2 The Bucks Fizz. Whenever performer(s) sheds a piece of clothing – once only for every instance, whether executed by an individual or as a group. Finish your drink if the clothing loss is obviously unintentional.
B. Once per song only:
I.B.1 Is That English? Whenever someone notices that the singers have switched from their native language into English in an attempt to win more votes. Two drinks if it’s obvious that they have no idea what they are singing.
I.B.2 The Fine Cotton. Any appearance of mercenary talent flown in to represent a foreign country. Two drinks if they’re Irish.
I.B.3 Las Ketchup and the Waves. A country drags a legitimate, real-life, one-hit wonder out of obscurity in the hope that name recognition can buy them some points. This is additional to I.B.2.
I.B.4 The Cultural Rainbow. Every time an entrant blatantly rips off last year’s winning performance. Finish your drink if last year’s winning country rips itself off.
I.B.5 The Wand’ring Minstrel. Unless it’s a solo guitar or piano, Eurovision insists on backing tapes. It’s in the rules, so don’t accuse some entrants of cheating; but take a drink if performers pretend to play a musical instrument (or simulacrum thereof) in a blatantly fake way, as part of the choreography. A second drink is permitted if a subsequent, different wave of faux-minstrely rises after the first has subsided.
I.B.6 The Greeks (formerly The TaTu). Finish your drink if the audience boos (on the telly, not in your living room.)
I.B.7 Don’t Mention The War. The German entrant sings something about everyone being happy. This is a legacy rule, as in recent years it has largely been supplanted by…
I.B.7a Don’t Mention The Wall. The Israeli entrant sings something about everyone being happy.
I.B.8 We Blew Our Load Too Early. The performers lack the energy to go for it in the crescendo, and the performance peters out a minute early.
I.B.9 The “Fire At The Disco”. Pyrotechnics. Simples.
I.B.10 The “They Didn’t Have This Back In The Day”. The performer is magically raised on stage by a secret moving platform.
I.B.11 The Hurricane. A sudden gale of wind engulfs the stage, forcing the performer to valiantly struggle against the elements.
I.B.12 The San Remo. Any occurrence of visible armpits and/or pointing at nothing in particular. Two drinks for a hairy armpit.
I.B.13 The White Suit. You’ll know it when you see it; and you’ll know it again when you see it again, and again…
I.B.14 Break It Down. The performance includes a rap segment.
I.B.15 We Can Dance If We Wanna. For any instance of ethnic dancing within a performance. Three drinks if the dancers are elderly women.
PHASE II: THE VOTES
II.1 The Wardrobe Change. Each time the female host changes frocks. Two drinks if the male host changes suits.
II.2 The Gimme. When Greece gives at least 8 points to Cyprus.
II.2a The Gastarbeiter. If Germany still gives at least 8 points to Turkey.
II.3 The Old Europe. When the UK gets nul points from France.
II.4 The Sympathy Vote. When anything sung in French first gets a point, and/or the last country without any points finally gets off the mark. A special toast at the end to any country which did not receive so much as a single vote.
II.5 The “Viktor, You Very Unattractive Fellow.” Two drinks if the hosts speak in rhyme and/or pretend to flirt with each other. Finish your drink if the flirting is serious.
II.6 The “We’re going Digital Next Year”. A voting countries broadcast feed is of noticeably lower quality than those which have gone before.
II.7 The Hurry-Up. Every time the announcer from each voting country is politely asked by the hosts to move it along (i.e. “Can we have your votes please?”).
II.8 The Curse of the Green Room. Each time an announcer reads the voting results wrong. Two drinks if they get so confused they have to start over.
II.9 The Sally Field. Each time they show contestants backstage during the voting looking genuinely surprised and pleased with themselves when they get the same politically-motivated votes they get every year.
II.10 The New Europe. When the Baltic or Balkan states all give each other twelve points, or a former Soviet republic gives Russia twelve points. Do not attempt without medical supervision.
W1 A person must finish their drink if they ask:
W1.a why Israel is in it;
W1.b where the hell is Moldova (or any other participating country, for that matter)?
W1.c Who won last year?
W2 Drink to any display of national resentment or self-pity related to the current Eurozone crisis. Pay close attention to Greece.
W3 A toast to the first person who expresses dismay when they realise how long the voting is going to take.
W4 Players must drink during the entire duration of any technical difficulties that plague the broadcast
THE CRIMEAN QUESTION
CC1 The “Please Don’t Invade Us”. A country that borders with Russia gives Russia more than 8 points.
Russian Border Countries: Norway, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Belarus, Ukraine, Georgia, Azerbaijan
CC2 The “We’ve Had Enough, Mr. Putin”. Finish your drink if Russia gets NUL POINTS from a former Soviet Republic.
CC2 The Euro-slacktivist Russia gets no points, Ukraine more than 8.
CC3 The Boo Boys. Each time there is decipherable booing whenever the Russian performers are shown on camera.
Instantly Disposable Rules for 2014 Edition
2014.1 The Queen of Austria. When it is apparent that the cameraman obviously has orders to show Conchita Wurst (see picture) as much as possible
2014.2 The Host With The Most. In the show production or intro videos, whenever they show a swan, Denmarks national animal. Two drinks if it’s a person in a swan suit.