After five long years in the beautiful city of Vienna, the time has come and I am preparing to move to pastures anew. I can’t leave without a final summation of what it is to be an expat/immigrant/outsider in this great city, so I present here an unnumbered listicle of things a person should achieve by the time he/she leaves Vienna. This is part bucket list, part cultural commentary, and part passive-aggressive rant about easily resolved white people problems. Littered throughout one may even encounter a piece of solid advice that will make living here easier. There are around 50 of these little tips about how you know when you know your way around Vienna. If only I could think up a catchy title to reflect that! I usually try and make these posts accessible for all readers, but this time I apologise: if you haven’t lived in Vienna for at least a few months, you will be completely lost here. To paraphrase Ultravox, it will mean nothing to you. Anyway, I’ll be back at the end.
Greet someone with “Grüß Gott“.
It’s how to politely say hello to a stranger in this part of the world. Literally it means ‘Greetings to god’. If that’s confusing, it’s because the greeter is asking you to greet god for him/her should you see him first (in heaven). It’s polite, it’s alliterative, and it is an everyday reminder of our futile mortality, so I’m a big fan.
Never learn to speak German fluently.
You don’t need it: all the people you meet will speak English better than you anyway. For the rare moments you encounter a non-foreigner, simply pointing and acting generally unfriendly is more than enough to communicate an action or idea to an Austrian.
Play football with Wiener Kickabouts
The premier football group in Vienna for foreigners who want to play with foreigners, and Austrians who hate Austrians. If you want to play regularly, play with them.
Watch football games at the Shebeen.
Less touristy than many of the other sports bars, there can be quite an atmosphere when big premier league teams are playing. #ViennaHack: When in a big group, remember what you order, as the bar staff will generally try and charge you for drinks unpaid by other groups. Advice: never be the last group to pay up after a football game.
Go to a Wiener SportKlub game.
David Alaba aside, Austrian football is terrible. Celebrate it by supporting a third division working class team while drinking warm Ottakringer on cold seats. Preferably aim for the Derby of Love, one of Central European footballs most contested sporting rivalry’s.
Play kickball with Vienna Kickball.
Spend a Sunday afternoon standing around a park drinking beer and asking people what the hell Kickball is. A good mix of expats/foreigners make up this group, and the leadership is a good mix of overt cynicism (hungover Christoph) and over-enthusiasm (Toma when he sees snow). Join up here.
Use Vienna CityBikes.
It’s like owning a bike, except without any of the responsibility. Check out this handy graphic here.
Feel guilty when the marathon is on.
It looks like anyone can do it, doesn’t it? Maybe next year, but for now, let’s just wake up for the finish on TV, and then back to bed.
Be the slowest person running on the Prater Hauptallee.
You’ll have a lot of competition, but you can do it.
Shout at someone while cycling.
You know best. Ruin that tourist family’s day!
Never go skiing.
It’s for tourists and middle class families, so skiing is none of an expats business.
Win Quiz Dreitausand!
The best quiz in town. It’s run monthly throughout most of the year at club Transporter. No pop culture reference from the 80’s, 90’s, 00’s or even this decade is too obscure for these quizmasters. If you win, treasure it. Because it won’t happen too often.
Get 3 leisurely drinks in during Happy Hour at Johnny’s Pub.
It’s daunting, but you can absolutely do it if you time it properly. Get there for 18h for your first pint, finish it by 18:30 for pint 2, then at 18:50 order number 3 while pretending you were on your way to the toilet. Bingo: you’re nicely drunk by 19:30 on a weekday for around €6. But tip the barman, for god’s sake.
Drink a cocktail made by Percy on the Donaukanal .
Drinking your warm cans by the canal is one thing, but the best beach experience in Vienna is a little shack run by authentic Caribbean man Percy just across from the Bratislava Twin Liner Port. He’ll sing you reggae songs while making you a rum cocktail, and then you can relax on beach chairs in the dirty sandbox they provide as seating.
Get kicked into a bar at 10pm.
Vienna needs her sleep. So if you’re drinking outside a bar around the curfew, you could well find yourself being forced inside. Bitte Pssst!
Sneak beer into the cinema.
The soundtrack of watching a film in a Viennese cinema is of quiet moments in the movie being punctuated by a cacophony of cans being cracked throughout the theatre. Just do it: no one cares, because they’re doing it too.
Mix gassed water with white wine.
It took me years to realise how to make Austrian white wine drinkable.
Eventually realise and accept that you drink alcohol absolutely every day.
They have champagne for breakfast here, for Christ’s sake. Only those raised here can possibly avoid a small bout of alcoholism.
Bring unsuspecting people to Adlerhof.
Tell them it’s just a normal bar. Don’t explain anything. Works best with people you don’t know too well.
Wait for the fun to start at Schikaneder.
It won’t, but you’re not going to be the one who admits it.
Know what your personal price-ceiling is with regards to Wurstelstand Beer.
It’s €2.80. Anything more, and they are having a laugh. Don’t encourage them.
Go to a bar without reserving a table
You’re not going to have a good time, but try and fight the system anyway!
Get pissed off at having to wait 5 minutes for an U-Bahn.
Completely unacceptable. No other words.
Accept that the U3 is Vienna’s best U-Bahn line.
It’s got the main bus station (VIB), the Westbahnhof, the main shopping street (Neubaugasse), the tourist centre (Stephansplatz) and the main link to the airport (Wien Mitte). No other line can compare.
Come to regard the 13A as the U5.
It’s frequent, it’s fast, and it fills the hole where the U5 should be. It just happens to be a bus.
Get your kaisekrainer with mayonnaise instead of mustard.
I ordered it by mistake once, but have never looked back since. The sausage men will look on you with disgust, but don’t be ashamed, for it is delicious, and they live in a hut on the side of the street.
Say on facebook that you’re interested in every free event there is.
Free outdoor cinema, free ethnic festival, free concert, free puppies. Everything’s free in the summer, but there’s gonna be too many people there, so just drink a few cans by the kanal instead.
Swim in the Danube.
It’s dirty, smelly, and tastes like mould, but in a land-locked country you take what you can get.
Have a good hour or two at a Donauinsel BBQ, before the mosquitos come out and eat you alive.
As the sun goes down across the water, you’re eating a burger, with your fourth beer in your hand, and you reflect on life’s inner meaning. Because in 10 minutes you will be living in a war zone.
Wander far away from the U-Bahn stations on the Donauinsel.
Stay around the population centers to be safe, but just once, walk or cycle 15 minutes further than you usually go. After a pleasantly empty buffer zone, you will encounter the flabby, middle-aged, intensely proud, and incredibly sunburned naked enthusiasts of the FKK.
Watch amateur freestyle German rap battles at Einbaumobel on Saturday nights.
Watch it once for the experience, but don’t go back. They are terrible. But you can pay whatever you want for the beer. #freispende
At least once, avoid getting involved in the Great Ice-Cream Debate.
Everyone’s vegan hipster ice cream crap is just as terrible as everyone else’s. Eis Greissler be damned!
Only go to museums when they’re free to enter.
You’ll see how much people of this city appreciate art every first Sunday of the month, and on the Austrian National Holiday, as well as in the occasional free opening of an exhibition at the Albertina. They love art here. Just not enough to actually want to pay for it.
Get bullied into ordering early in the bakery chains.
They’ve got 100 different products, all with unique names, and the name signs are all in front of the wrong products. Yet I’m supposed to know what I want within 3 seconds of entering Anker.
Get unnecessarily stressed as supermarket closing time approaches.
If the clock passes 19:30, and you haven’t yet gone to the supermarket, you are in deep trouble. Just be glad it’s not 18:01 on Saturday……
Yell “KASSA BITTE!”
In order for this to be authentic, the person shouting at the staff to open another checkout counter must already be consuming the one can of beer he/she came in to buy.
Never expect to go shopping for something specific and find what you are looking for in the first place you visit.
Consumerism never really came in here, and this is reflected in the supermarkets and big electronic stores. Shops have the things they sell, and others have the things they sell. It’s your job to find the right one. And don’t bother the staff in each shop about what you’re looking for, either.
Give your tram seat up for a woman carrying a small dog.
She probably lists it as a dependent on her tax forms.
Complain about -15° in the winter, 40° in the summer, and everything in between.
Humans weren’t meant to live in places with such temperature changes. Just stay at 19°, and everyone will be happy. Everyone goes on beach and ski holidays anyway, we don’t need extreme weather here.
Find out what’s going on with Puber.
If you don’t know what that is, then google it. It will ruin the city for you forever, though.
Have lunch at the UN.
If you don’t work there, get a friend to invite you. They sign you in and after a big security check, you can walk around the place as long as you hold your friends hand. Make your friend pay for lunch too: he or she is nothing but a rich, tax dodging bastard.
Live off the state.
Make socialism work for you! Feeling tired, bored with your job? You pay the taxes, so you have earned a break. Make everyone else pay for your extravagant lifestyle for a few months.
Fear the reckoning of the Jahresabrechnung.
It’s that time of year, and you’re starting to regret using that cheap fan to cool yourself all through August, aren’t you? Maybe you didn’t need to have the heating on in late February, and maybe energy saving bulbs are worth the extra few Euros over those cheap shitty ones you always buy. The days before the Jahresrechnung are like waiting in line on Judgement Day: we know what we did wrong, we just hope none of it was as important as we think.
Lie to the Rauchfangkehrer.
He wakes you up at 6AM, has a look around your apartment and then very seriously tells you that you need to get your chimney serviced. You tell him that’s what you thought he is here for. He repeats his request, and hands you a business card. You tell him yes, you will call them today. He leaves, and you go back to bed.
Get used to the smell of horseshit.
The First District sure is charming. In pictures.
Be prepared for a fight at Hofer/Lidl.
Its Balkan rules in these supermarkets.
Go to another country to use the airport.
Michael O; Leary knew what he was doing when he set Ryanair up in Bratislava.
Never answer the doorbell, for fear it’s the GIS man.
It’s only €14 per month, but it’s your €14 per month, and it’s worth the lies, deceit and anti-social behavior.
Get terrified whenever a fellow foreigner mentions something you don’t understand about the MA35.
“Oh, what were you doing at the MA35?”
“I was just getting my 35qx29b renewed. It only took a few weeks, and they only fined me €136,278 for doing it too late. I was so lucky.”
Watch Before Sunrise.
And imagine how different that movie would have been if the two young lovers had wandered around Vienna during the winter. There sure as hell would not have been two more movies.
Live south of the Wienfluss.
Refer to everyone else as Northern Barbarians.
Eat cake at Café Central, while making awkward eye contact with the piano player.
Maintain his gaze all through the entire score of The Third Man.
Don’t panic when you lose your keys.
A few years ago it would be the end of the world, but now, you have a guy for this. While 99% of schlusseldiensts won’t illegally cut your keys, you know a place where it can be done in minutes. No forms, no hundreds of euros, just a normal service: the way it should be.
Some minor white people problem issues, but what can you expect when you reside in the most livable city in the world? You have to complain about something, and complaining about monotonous perfection is how you know you have truly become an Echte Wiener (just joking, they will never accept you, EVER. Console yourself by bringing up Austria’s role in World War II. In schools here they were taught that Germany invaded Austria, and occupied it just like they did to Poland. Inform them of what the rest of the world learned in school!). Don’t be afraid to leave me a message below, on facebook or on twitter about your own personal Viennese Vignettes. This was an amazing city to live in, and I will definitely miss this place and all those I met in Vienna. It meant something to me. Oh, Vienna.